Splinter Cell: Blacklist - Spies vs. Mercs - Well-Intentioned Advice

Splinter Cell Blacklist PvP

Acknowledgements:

Thanks for help and pointers in this go to oO_ShadowFox_Oo (especially for his invaluable work figuring out the melee-system), IcemanGBR, Decimationist, Johnmon604, Soldiersback and more on the official Ubisoft Blacklist Forums - where I am already immortal as P4NCH0theD0G.

Special Thanks for the use of their videos and the screenshots go to AoR-Raven and his buddies at Red Cell Gaming (Red Cell's Youtube Channel, check it out...)






God, I'm probably really the wrong person to give advice, but... anyway. I like to read myself... uhm, write. I guess.

Connectivity

So, before we go to the actual game, let's check on something else: Your connection and the possibility of lag. As a Peer-2-Peer game (one player acts like a server to host the match, the other players are his clients), lag is sadly often inevitable, especially if you find yourself in a lobby with people from another continent.

Let's take a look at your situation:

 How long will it take to come back?

First off, where exactly are you located?
If it's Australia or something, there's not much you can do about the lag, except maybe sacrifice a virginal Drop Bear, and hope to play matches only with your countrymen.


Second, is your Connection good?
Are you using the same connection as others, like a shared home-network? If so, do others use a lot of bandwidth while you are playing? Especially uploading anything can severely restrict your internet speed.



Third, is your NAT open?
You can test this by testing your connection on PS3 or Xbox 360 from the System/Network tab on the dashboard. If it says there might be a problem (moderate NAT Type 2), google to find out how to open your NAT (PS3 / Xbox 360). An open NAT will not solve all your problems, but it may very well improve your connectivity.


All of that done, then okay. It's just that some the problems people encounter seem like a bit of lag to me, and there are some things you can do to minimize it.

Be Open to New Relationships

If you are open to other people joining you in your party, change your Party Privacy to Open, so players from matches you are in can just join you or you can join them. You do that in your Multiplayer SvM lobby before you start searching for a match.
If you find some random you had a good match with, that will allow you to easily team up.
Trust me, it helps.

General - Preparation

The Six P`s: Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance.

Learn the maps. 

It's crazy how much you can miss because there is a timer running down and objectives to do and people to kill. Go into a private match with a buddy and just run around, get to know some hiding places etc.

It helps to know which routes to avoid or ambush.

But do not, not ever, go and try Spawn Killing/Trapping people. Even if it's done to you, be better than that.





 Use your Mic. 
And don't be afraid to just start talking. A lot of people are shy, but even if they don't respond, they can hear you if you call out enemies. And if all else fails, just try to stick with your teammates. It's always good to have backup.

Find a buddy to play with. 
There's this thread on the Ubi-forums to post your tag or look for others' : http://forums.ubi.com/showthread.php...co-op-SvM-with!
Having even one person you can coordinate with is of immense help.

Don't play TDM.
Seriously, though, the objectives force people into action, away from hiding points and into the fray. Team Deathmatch, especially with all-spy teams, often end in nothing but looking at people through walls and waiting until someone moves.
Then again, what do I know?

Game Modes:

Spies vs. Mercs Classic / Hardcore 2v2:

• 2v2, Spies versus Mercs (Hardcore has a "level 20" minimum requirement)
• Two 10-min rounds, one round played on each side
• Unlimited Lives 
• Respawn Timer: 20 seconds
• Pre-set classes
• Spies have no lethal long-range weapons and only Night-Vision Goggles, but a stun crossbow and several gadgets
• Mercs have Guns with flashlights, frags, gas grenades, mines and an ammo-pack.

Three consoles are located on the map. Spies need to hack them (one at a time) and upload the data, then the Hacker needs to remain in the designated area and alive until the upload is complete - then you move on to the next.
Mercs need to stop them, stop the hack on the consoles by killing the hacker or forcing him out of the zone.
 If the Hacker gets killed, the hack can be continued by hacking the same console again within 15 seconds.

Hacking all three consoles ends the round. If the team that plays as spies the second time gets more consoles than the other team in the first round, the match ends immediately as soon as the "winning hack" is finished.
If a hack is in progress, round time is extended until the hack has finished or failed.
In a tie-breaker, the progress bars of unfinished uploads decide, unless both teams get all three consoles - I think that would end in a draw, but I've never seen that, so I don't know.

Things to know:
Stick together, communicate and think. Don't throw away your life.
Flashlights give Mercs away when used, but Spies are pretty fragile when caught out in the open.
Night-Vision will let you see in the dark, but not through walls.



Spies vs. Mercs Blacklist:

• 4v4, customization, suit powers, spies have guns, too. Read on for more info on loadouts, etc.
• Two 10-min rounds, one round played on each side
• Unlimited Lives
• Respawn Timer: 20 seconds

The objectives and conditions are the same as in Classic, but the customization, the "Suit Powers" and the bigger teams, make this mode something else, entirely.

Additional Info:
Dead Mercs look at cameras placed throughout the level while waiting for a respawn; Cameras can be cycled through (and deactivated temporarily by the Spies).
Dead spies look at teammates, but can control the camera.

Things to know:
Stick together, but not too close to both get killed by one burst/mine/remote camera.
Communicate, help each other out, and compliment your team-members' playstyle and equipment.


Extraction:

Capture the Intel

• 4v4, Spies vs. Mercs, customization, suit powers, lethal spies. Read on for more info on loadouts etc.
• Two 8-min rounds, one round played on each side.
• Unlimited Lives 
• Respawn Timer: 20 seconds

Spies need to defend a piece of Intel set at a specific location.
Mercs need to capture the Intel and bring it to an Extraction Point.
If the Intel-Carrier is killed, Spies must "reset" (interact) with the intel to get it back to the original location.
Mercs can pick up the Intel on the ground and continue for the Extraction Point.
Mercs carrying the Intel cannot sprint, but can fire weapons, activate suit powers and place gadgets.

A round ends after 5 captured Intels. The Match ends if the second-round Merc team captures more Intel than the first team did in the first round - or if time runs out.
As long as a Merc is carrying the Intel, round time will be extended until the Intel is extracted or the Intel-Carrier is killed.
Ties result in a Draw.

Things to know:
Spies need to pick their places and their fights, try to defend the Intel from being captured, and quickly readjust when the Intel is on the move.
Mercs should stick together, cover each other and check their corners and their backs.
It's never a bad idea - for both teams - to think about a designated extraction route with booby traps.


Uplink Control:

Hacking... Hacking...

• 3v3, mixed teams (Spies and Mercs can be on one team), customization, suit powers, lethal spies. Read on bla, bla, bla.
• One 10-min round
• Unlimited Lives
• Respawn Timer: 15 seconds

Five Uplink-Terminals are located around the level. One will be hackable at a time.
Hack the designated Terminal and keep the enemy from stopping your hack and hacking it themselves.
Once hacked, the Terminal will stay active until one side uploads 100%.
Hacks can be disrupted by hacking the console again.

Things to know:
Mixed teams means you can and should mix teams with Mercs and Spies. Spies can call out enemies and ambush Mercs, but Mercs at long range (mostly) trump Spies.
Work together, communicate.


TDM:
Never played it, and never want to, so I will guess.

• 4v4, mixed teams (Spies and Mercs can be on one team) customization, suit powers, lethal spies.
• One 10-min round
• Unlimited Lives
• Respawn Timer: 10 seconds

Kill the enemy team. Often.

Things to know:
Mixed teams means you can and should mix teams with Mercs and Spies. Spies can call out enemies and ambush Mercs, but Mercs at long range mostly trump spies. Work together, communicate.
I would expect a lot of times everybody runs for certain "defensible positions" and the waits.
Also, I heard that everybody tends to play Spy and people just sit around looking through walls at each other.

The Spy:

Know your Abilities and your Gadgets and your Gear. What things show what, do what, have what effect, counter what and so on.

Mercs are far from helpless when it comes to intel gathering, spotting or countering you, so be aware.






The Goggles:

Thermal Goggles show you enemy heat signatures through walls at short range in real-time.
Useful in Close Quarters, but completely blind at long range.
 

EMF Goggles show you electrical systems (including those of enemies) at medium range in real-time.
Useful for spotting mines and enemies from farther off, but enemies can be obscured by other electrical stuff.

Sonar Goggles show you enemy locations periodically at long range through Sonar Pulse Location.
Great to spot enemies from far-off, but only in pulses. And see-through walls can make navigation difficult.




Suit Powers:

Suit Powers - well, I call them that, but they're actually technically advanced systems built into the Torso-Armor of Spies and Mercs alike - can be triggered at any time, but need to recharge for a while before a second use.

The Intel Suit lets you tag enemies for a limited time - tagged enemies can be seen through walls from long range.










 The Overcharge Suit destroys or disrupts enemy electrical systems in the immediate area.










The Digital Ghillie Suit lets you activate optical camouflage for a short time, turning you almost invisible.








Things to know:

Don't over-rely on your goggles. Sure it's cool to see through walls, but not if you step into a mine or accidentally drop down an opening between a few Mercs. And you never know where the shadows are.

All fall down...

Height is your friend. There`s really no counter for getting Death-From-Aboved while walking
through a doorway, unless the Merc gets lucky enough with his bullets (and lag) to kill the spy in-flight. You still have to put yourself in a place where it works and you can't be easily seen by someone approaching, though.
Height is a general advantage for spies, since it's something Mercs cannot quickly overcome.

Man Overboard!

Railings are your friend. If a Merc comes too close to one your hanging from, there's nothing he can do.But again, you still have to put yourself in a place where it works and you can't be easily seen by someone approaching, though.






Don't over-rely on Cloak. Not only because it's not really as great as you might think against someone who knows what he's doing (and Mercs using RFD or ATS... or the Motion Sensor), but also because everybody uses it - variety is often a key ingredient of success.

Be a Teamplayer if no one else is. Unless you are hellbent on getting kills (or TDM), you could just be a recon-guy with the Intel Suit and Sonar Goggles to tag and then call out enemies (by which I mean, you use your Goggles to locate Mercs from afar, use your headset to tell your teammates about them, and once they get close enough, you tag them with your Intel Suit - and then keep calling out enemy positions), or Play Interference/Clear Objectives with Overcharge and Trophy Systems.

Overcharge can use the enemy's mines and drones against them. Overcharge forces mines and drones to explode with all the power they usually explode with (while EMP grenades just shut them down). As such, Overcharging a mine next to a Merc can very well result in a Mine-Kill - for you.

Choose your role - offense, defense, hacker etc. In Blacklist or Classic, if you're not hacking, try to cover the hacker or an entrance. The Mercs have only so many ways to enter a certain area.

Be where they don't expect you to be. Mercs become careful close to an objective, but often run past doorways and under DFA-ledges when running towards a newly hacked console. Some people hate the "circle-around-the-back guys", but you're supposed to be a sneaky bastard, so there.

Stay away from corners that allow Mercs to circle around them. Usually doesn't end well.

A Trophy? On Xbox?

If Drones annoy you, put down a Trophy System. It kills grenades and drones and can completely frustrate Mercs. But be careful where you place it though - not too close to yourself. A Merc with RFD can see your Toys (he can also see you if you're using your goggles or suit power, but there's a gear item, the Infiltration Helmet, to counter that).




The Sticky Cam can be a great offensive weapon - some use it like a grenade, throw, enter, press "detonate", all in one second. Or you can place it over a doorway, or on a wall, and detonate when someone comes close. Just don't expect one to lie on the ground in full light and stay there undetected. Also, don't forget the slight delay it has before detonation.

Spy-Dude on the right couldn't wait...

Don't go for the first enemy, go for the last-in-line. It's often better to wait a bit before going in for the
kill, see if someone else will come around, than to try and kill one Merc to get shot by his buddy. Not always, but often.

Keep your ears open. Mines are Death, but they make a very distinctive beeping sound. You can shoot mines with your guns (Boom!), deactivate them with your stun-crossbow or an EMP grenade (Bzzt!)- or, as mentioned before, take them out explosively with the Overcharge Suit.

Don't over-rely only on your melee.

Hanging... Tough!

You have guns that can be pretty deadly at close range on an unaware target, or even at long range with an upgraded pistol. The key-word here is "UNAWARE". Don't try to win shooting matches against Mercs, unless you have good cover and a quick exit nearby.
Some fun can be had with a silenced pistol taking long-range potshots from a shadowed cover: great distraction.



It's a bit tricky, but if you catch a Merc that is cooking a grenade in his hands with a Stun-Crossbow-Bolt, he will Martyr himself - unintentionally.

If you have to attack full frontal melee, try to weave left and right, or slide just past the Merc then press Melee. Or try to run past up to a ledge and press Melee for a DFA.

Disable Cameras in SvM Blacklist. Every Console Area has at least one camera dead Mercs see while dead. Why let them?


Tips from "Da Pros"

 oO_ShadowFox_Oo

• Double tap the equipment button to quickly "Batman" a grenade at your feet, rather than throw it.
• You need to learn how to play spies a particular way in this game. It's about movement, but knowing when to stay absolutely stationary at the same time. I find one of the most effective tactics is to try and move into areas that mercs have just checked.
• If a merc clears an area, try and maneuver yourself into a position where you can slip into that area after they have moved off. If they have already mentally "cleared" it, it will now be the last place they'll look.
• I am nearly constantly moving as hacking spy, trying to keep as much distance between me and the merc as possible.
• Hiding in spots can be an effective tactic, but it can also be a death sentence, because the best hiding spots are often "boxed in" - so once you're spotted, that's it - you're done!

soldiersback

• You have to play decoy and defend the hacker IN THE HACKING ZONE
• There's ALWAYS a mine at the terminal you are going to hack
• You are supposed to STAY HIDDEN when you are the hacker

Loadouts:

I will list two of mine, and accompany those with three different ones from Red Cell Screenshots.

IntelSonar:

• Intel Suit, Sonar Goggles, Infiltration Helmet
• Spider Gloves, Gadget Pants/ID Blocker Pants, Speed-Boots
• Trophy System and/or Sticky Camera

Role: Intel/Support

• You basically sit in a Vent or a deep shadow near (but not too near) your objective, somewhere safe and hopefully outside Merc Disruptor Suit Range, call out enemies with your Goggles, while marking them when you can, and only really engage when you see a chance, not go actively on the hunt.
• The gloves let you navigate ledges much faster to get out of harm's way.

• You place a Sticky Cam to control an entrance, a few Trophy Systems to counter drones, and are mostly just a team player.
• The Infiltration Helmet protects you from being seen when using your goggles, the optional ID blocker pants stop reticules from turning red (nice for shadows).

PredatorThermal:

• Digital Ghillie Suit , Thermal Goggles, Infiltration Helmet
• Armor Gloves, ID Blocker Pants, Sneak-Boots 
• Trophy System / EMP Grenades

Role: Offensive

• Thermal allows you to see through walls at short range, but you can still see the walls, so you know when there's one between you and the prey.
• The Infiltration Helmet protects you from RFD showing you're using your goggles. But don't over-rely on your cloak.
• The Sound Reduction of the "Sneak Boots" can make a sprinting at a target from behind less obvious (and might also partly counter the Mercs' ATS (Audio-Tracking) Vision Mode, but that is still unconfirmed)
• The EMP grenades can stun a Merc and take out mines and drones without danger to yourself for quick attacks or escapes. The Trophy System on the other hand, can secure a perimeter from grenades and drones, which can be useful should you find yourself to be the hacker.

That said, keep an eye out for mines, then go and kill people. Stay away from long, straight sight lines, use the fact that you can see through walls, then ambush people and vanish.

Here are the videos from Red Cell to go with the screenshots and show a few different ideas:

And Part 2:

The Merc:

How to Counter the Spy's Frontal Melee.
Read this and understand it, find a friend to test it, have some fun. Thanks go to oO_ShadowFox_Oo  and his buddies for testing this, and, again, Red Cell for the Video.

It's all about timing, momentum and direction. The Spy will win from the back or the side, but if you have one running at you head-on, don't engage with your weapon (unless it's a Shotgun). Instead, move to meet him and hit melee.  You can give yourself an even better chance of winning the "Joust" by sprinting or using Adrenaline (and then sprinting).

Look, there's something in the barrel...

It takes a while to get the timing done (and no, lag is not your friend), and if you do anything else (reloading, placing a gadget, firing your weapon), your chances of winning decrease considerably.
There also seems to be a small window of opportunity to actively counter a spy's Melee attack by pressing "Melee" just after the spy triggered his - the animation will show you take his knife and stab him.
Also note, that you have to actually aim at the spy when you trigger your melee-attack - specifically, you will not hit a crouching spy if your reticule is above his head.
If you can, get a friend into a private match and beat each others' brains out. It's good practice, and can be a great release of accumulated grief.

Something that might help with that (especially aiming the Melee), is changing your Merc Control Scheme to "Shooter", which will move the melee-button from a face-button to the aim-stick-button, enabling you to sprint, aim and kick-butt without taking your fingers of the sticks.

Switching the Merc Controls to "Shooter" takes some getting used to, though, especially, if you keep the Spy the regular way (as I do).

Another benefit of the Shooter Controls is that you won't find yourself "clench-reloading" - I have yet to get a "Clench-Melee" by accidentally pressing too hard on the stick while aiming.

And for show-and-tell, another video from Red Cell:

Again, know your stuff. Same as the spies. There's a lot of Rock-Paper-Scissors involved, here, Counters to this, Prepare for that...

The Merc Vision Modes:

"Merc-Goggles" are always on, and give you three different options to help detect Spies.

ATS will notify you of loud sounds at long range by painting the location on the HUD (Triangle with Distance Indicator), and the direction of
other sounds (like footsteps) at short range by a small amplitude indicator on the curved bar at the bottom of your HUD, and that for all 360° around you. It's the only Goggle-Mode that notices things behind you (which the amplitude will show as negative, i.e. beneath the curved bar).




Motion Tracker pulse-detects quick motion in a certain angle in front of you. Crouching movement and movement on ledges is not detected, but the Headgear Detection Enhancer increases the pulse frequency.
And yes, it is quite reminiscent of Alien II.




RFD detects enemy electrical systems, like Trophy Systems or Sticky Cameras at short to medium range (and even through walls), as well as the use of Spy-Goggles or Suit Powers - unless the Spy wears the Infiltration Helmet. It's the only Goggle-Mode able to visually detect stationary cloaked Spies (unless they do wear that helmet).




Suit Powers:

An Injection to turn the World brighter for a while

The Adrenaline Suit lets you inject yourself with Adrenaline. The temporary boost results in more damage output, higher movement speed, brighter surroundings and a slightly increased Field of View.
It also increases recuperation from damage and stuns. It's the only equipment to successfully counter the Spy's Stun-Crossbow.

So, it's kinda hard to show that in a picture...

The Disruptor Suit, once triggered, will take out any electrical system in its effective range,
including Goggles, Suit-Powers and Spy Equipment like Cameras or Trophy Systems.

Bird of BOOM!

The Drone Suit enables you to deploy a remote controlled drone that can spot Spies and be remotely detonated for a kill.
The Drone has a limited battery life once launched.




Things to know:

Better late, than never

Mines are your friends. Use them in high-traffic areas, under vents with the green chem-lights, around consoles in SvM, to secure your back in Extraction, to secure your back, period. To make sure a spy over a doorway will pay for a DFA (stay just inside to plant the mine facing outward).
If you enter a hacked console's area, it's never a bad call to place a mine at your back.
Be careful not to stay around your own mines, though. A Spy's Overcharge Suit will make them explode and kill you just as dead.

The Ammo Box is your friend - and that of your team. It might get nerfed, but it offers someone with two gadgets a lot of gadgets to play around with.

RFD is awesome vs. Cloakers without the Infiltration Helmet. If someone comes up behind you, it's mostly game over - even with ATS - the noise/movement locator. Turning around takes too long to avoid death. But if you're looking in their direction and they think they can hide behind a corner in cloak, you actually see them through walls at short distances. They think they're invisible, but have a big HUD-Marker on their heads.
The Headgear "Detection Enhancer" helps with that.

Fire in the Corner-Office

Stay away from railings and from under ledges if you can help it. Those are easy kills for spies, and there's nothing you can do about it once it happens. Check them from a distance (railings), slowly inch forward looking up (doorways/ledges) or just go around.

Instead of running into a room or around a corner to clear it, why not flush any enemies out with a
gas or frag grenade? 

Circle corners to get the drop on lurking spies.


Aim and Shoot at range, hip-fire is for CQC emergencies.

Stay mobile - the longer you stand in one spot, the easier to come around behind or above you.

Watch your corners. Don't look in the same direction as your Merc-Buddies. Watch the corner they are not watching.

Secure your back. Spies love to circle around and get you from behind while you are trying to get to the hacker or a console. Some mines at your back can at least dissuade them or slow them down.

An Intel Device combined with RFD gives you a good chance to detect every Spy in your vicinity, no matter their equipment.

Loadout:

Again, I will talk about mine, and show Red Cell Screens for more.


The Suits:

When it comes to the Suits, well, personally I always play with a pretty dark TV setup, and I refuse to stoop as low as some and cheat with the Brightness.
So I like Adrenaline. Not only does it increase your Field of View, it also makes things pretty damn bright (compared to my darkness). It also allows you to counter a Stun-Bolt, increases your speed to the point where Spies are slower, increases your damage output and helps with the counter melee striking. I like to combine it with RFD and an Intel Device, or ATS and the Flash Protection.

The Disruptor Suit is very good as support or just to piss off Spies. It will make for some nice moments when catching a cloaked dude in mid-sneak, and the fact that it counters all gadgets, suit-powers and goggles can make life for spies quite hard - and, for example, stop Trophy Systems from destroying your Drones and Grenades. I use it with the Motion Tracker and Detection Enhancer Headgear, or ATS.

The Drone... I don't like it. It's easily countered or shot down, leaves you open to attack, and... well,
it's tempting to use it to frustrate the other team, hunt hackers, spawn-trap and so on. But if you are good enough and actually like to support your team and just spot people (Cloakers with the Infiltration Helmet can still be spotted by Drones and Intel Devices) and not fly up to the first guy you see and detonate, you'll be very useful. Use it with RFD, and bring an Intel Device and some mines to secure your "body" - or rather the approach to your body, otherwise Overcharge might make you your own mine's victim.

Equipment:

SvM Blacklist and Extraction:

• Mines and Ammo Box (unless you want to be a Drone Intel guy, then you take Mines and the Intel Device, for when your drone is down)
• A fully upgraded AR (range, damage) or a Semi-Auto Shotgun for CQC (I don't use shotguns, but have seen some very impressive work with them), a fully pimped pistol
• The Gadget pants, the boots that let you move faster while aiming or sprint faster
• RFD or Motion Tracker for me, but I am starting to like the ATS. It's a bit different and needs getting used to, but it does tell you if someone is close pretty effectively.

TDM/Uplink Control:

• Mines or Frags with the Ammo Box - Frags are probably better offensively. Everything else pretty much the same, except for maybe armored boots instead of the sharpshooter boots. 
• TDM and Uplink Control have lots of Flashbang users or heavily Armored Mercs, so more Armor or Flash-Protection is a good thing.

Here's what Red Cell think about that:

And Part 2:

And a Special about ATS and the Disruptor Suit:

As you can see from the Red Cell Vid and Screenshots, my Merc choices are very different - but very similar amongst themselves.
I mostly take a role to support the team, which usually means:

Assault with Adrenaline/-ATS/Mines/Ammo
or
Disruptor with Disruptor/MotionTracker -ATS/Mines/Ammo

(Sorry, I know it's a bit cheap with the Mines and ammo, but hell, they beep so damn loud, glow with red lights and are easily destroyed. Spies are not supposed to sprint around all the time where Mercs can put mines, but as long as they do, there will be mines.)

By now, you should hopefully have a better understanding of what you can do, what will be done to you, and... uhm, what you can do about it. Yeah.

Now, stop reading and PLAY!
NO! STOP! Keep reading! Here comes the:

Third Party Section:

featuring a few very useful tips by the Iceman, and several Red Cell Videos

IcemanGBR

1. Stick Together

-The main point that really can be a difference between winning easily or losing badly, I find, is to stick with your teammates; for both teams. If a Spy is hacking, don't expect them to get the whole hack done on their own. Most of the time, they will need help to get it done. If a couple of other Spies are just focusing on kills or their K/D ratio, your team will most likely lose; especially if the Mercs stick together.

-Similarly, the Mercs must stick together as well. Going to a hacked terminal one at a time is just going to get you killed if there's a couple of Spies in the area. The more a team sticks together, the more likely it is your team will win and everyone will get decent stats.


2. Communicate

-When attacking terminals as a Spy, tell your teammate what you're doing. If you're hacking, make sure your teammates know to back you up. Nothing more frustrating than getting no help from teammates.

-When defending terminals as a Merc, make sure to tell your teammates about any movement you see/detect and how many Spies are in the area. If you think all the Spies are in the area, then there's no point in all your teammates sticking at their stations.


3. Be patient, even if you know where the opposition is

- As a Spy, when 2 Mercs are patrolling together, don't rush in if you know you can't take them both. Your teammates need you alive.

- As a Merc, if you know where the enemy is, make sure they don't escape. Often, this is to bide your time and get a teammate to cover one side of a ledge while you go the other side. There's been countless time where I've spotted a Spy/hacking Spy trying to do a ledge kill; I tell my teammate while I go downstairs and to the other side of the wall to kill them. By the time I've gone, my teammate can't help himself and goes close to a ledge for a kill. The Spy kills my teammate and is free to roam around upstairs.

RED CELL

Thanks to everyone for the help, but mostly thanks to ME for putting all those letters between the pictures. Because if you squint at it just right, it will turn into a 3D image of Sam Fisher's Ops-Suit in EXTREME Close-Up! With the Balaclava!

 For all your PS4 or Xbox One needs, especially the European needs, head over to Amazon UK - best deals in Europe (mostly). For TV or Movie Streaming needs, as well. Yes, I do buy there myself. Exclusively. Unless I find a better deal, elsewhere...

The Things I do...

... to tell a story.
(follow us on Twitter @Lunartik and @EberhornFlorian)

Well, they're not as bad as you might think. But still: Product Endorsement? Who would've thought...

Slick Flick

So, there's this app for the I-Thingees called Slick Flick. You can do stories with it. My username on Slick Flick is @Eberhorn - or maybe it's without the "@", I'm not sure how that works. If you have one of those I-Thingees go get the free app, and like my stories, already. They`re totally likeable.

Me, I don't really have an I-Thingee, so it took my across-the-hall neighbor, the wonderfully twisted Lunartik Creator Matt Jones, to tell me about it.

Matt Jones

Actually, what he said was something like:
"You smell like a poor person. Take a look at this, maybe you'll get me rich... I mean, uhm, get you rich. Yes. That's what I meant." Yeah, he's a peach.

About the Lunartiks:

They're little aliens from another dimension, that live in Tea-Cups, which they use like portals to travel through time and space.

Matt's an "artist". Go figure.



Anyway, Slick Flick is a... story-boarding app. You take pictures and make stories. Slick Flick gives you several "Themes" to work with, then you can add characters, and objects and captions from those themes to your pictures or chosen backgrounds. A few of the themes are done by a similar number of Vinyl Toy artists, one of which is Matt Jones with his Lunartiks (in case you were wondering where that was going). Also, case in point, The Slick Flick Lunartik Theme is the very first time that Lunartik Legs were shown. Yes. It's true!

So, basically, Matt asked me to do stories with his Lunartik-Theme, in exchange for which he will lend me his I-Pod, a tiny little thing I use for nothing else but to do these stories in the first place. It seemed like a good deal at the time. I don't know why.


On to the important part: 

The Stories. They've already gotten their very own blog, too, @:
Tales of the Lunartiks

There are six different "series", and, for your convenience, I've listed and linked them all here:

1. Mr. T's Wonderful World of Tea
It's Mr. T telling you all about "Tea". Every single "-Tea" he can find. In the Dictionary.

2. Lunar Shorts
Short funny stories from the Lunar-Verse. That's like the Uni-verse, but different.

3. Travellers Between Worlds
Once in every Lunartik's life they embark on an epic journey into other dimensions. Stuff happens. And there's usually some screaming involved...
(Featuring additional artwork by Cavey, MakieLab, Usagi, Wippo and Slick Flick)

4. A little love...
Lunartik goes romantic. No, seriously.

5. Other stuff... and stuff
Stories from the Slick Flick Crypt...

and the, obviously limited, but very special

6. Lunar Christmas Countdown 2013
Counting Down, one day and one Cartoon at a time...

If you like Matt's work, why not join his Lunartik in a Cup of Tea - Fan Club on Facebook.

But honestly, my stories are much more important than his stuff... ;)

Things to do in Denver when you broke your hand...

... because you raged at Battlefield and beat on your controller, and now you can`t play games, so you need other stuff to do. Seriously, that crap happens to people.

So, yeah, this is another one of those posts where I will present you "books." Granted, they're mostly pretty cool books, but they all do require a certain amount of reading.

Don't be scared, now. It'll only hurt for a few hours... at first. Also, if "books" are too old-school, go and get them on your Kindle or Smartphone or Tablet. Yes. Books can be hip. Totally.

Alright, here we go:

The "Sandman-Slim" Series by Richard Kadrey

Richard Kadrey apparently wrote other stuff, too, but I don't know it. He also has his own Action Figure - make of that one what you will. The titular Hero of this series, Sandman Slim, is pretty much what you'd get if Harry Dresden was an outright lovable bastard. And Kadrey has had him take on Heaven, Hell, Zombies and everything in between that Los Angeles has to offer - and lots and lots of clothes - in by now 5 novels and a short-story (or maybe that'`s a "novella", who the hell knows?)

Eleven Years ago, James Stark, a fledgeling Magician (real, capital-M Magic, not that Party-for-Kids crap) is dragged into hell - still alive. It wasn't fun-times. Now, the girl he left behind in the world was murdered, and Stark has cut his way out of hell, hell-bent (Ha!) on continuing to cut his way through the people responsible for both the murder, and his eleven-year stint down-under.

That`s how the first book in the series, "Sandman Slim", starts. By the end of the first book, Stark has managed to kill some people, bitch-slap an angel, burn a pack of Neo-Nazi Skinheads and save the world. He also now lives with a severed talking head that walks around on a magical skateboard with legs. And things only get more fun from there.

Kadrey's writing is harsh, crude fun. It's smart, and (mostly) even makes an unexpected amount of sense. The "Sandman Slim" Universe is beautifully conceived, and continues to surprise with just how wonderfully, darkly funny it can be. Granted, the novels might seem a bit on the short side, but in those pages Shit Happens. Never a dull minute in super-natural LA.

"The Ocean at the End of the Lane" by Neil Gaiman

If you don't know Neil Gaiman... well, then you don't know him. There's nothing bad about that, and you should not be mocked because of it. But know now, that Gaiman is Magic. Those that haven't read his books (like American Gods, Anansi Boys, Good Omens or Coraline) or his comics (DC Vertigo`s "Sandman" Series), might actually have seen his work without knowing: "Stardust", starring Charlie Cox, Sienna Miller, Claire Danes and Robert DeNiro, a simply magical (and totally dude-can-watch-this-and-brag-about-it) romantic comedy. And it does a pretty good job of capturing Gaiman's unrivaled imagination, as well as the humor and wit of Gaiman's novel. The book is better, though.

His new book, "The Ocean at the End of the Lane", is somewhere between "Stand by Me" and "The Chronicles of Narnia". If the first one means nothing to you, despite a young "Ensign Wesley Crusher", a still alive River Phoenix, Corey Feldman ('nuff said), and a fat and ugly kid called Jerry O'Connell, you might be too young to fully appreciate the magic of this particular book. It's not your fault, and it might not particularly hamper your enjoyment of a fantastic read. And yet, for "The Ocean at the End of Lane" to do its magic, your childhood should be gone long enough to give you a chance to miss it - even if you only admit that to yourself.

Because that is what "The Ocean at the End of the Lane" is: a bit of childhood - terrifying, tantalizing, woeful, wondrous childhood...

When a death in the family drags our narrator back to his childhood town, a seemingly random turn in the road takes him down memory lane - literally. And what he remembers is a tale that couldn't have been - and yet it was. A tale of a man that killed himself in his father's car, and awoke an evil out of this world. A tale of a girl, her mother and her grandmother, that might have been his only friends, and were so much more. A tale of magic and dreams and fear and hurt and sacrifice. And about an Ocean that fit into a pond...

This is not a fairy-tale for children. It`s a tale of children and fairies and monsters for those of us that still remember how it was when all of it could have been real. And yes, fine, this one actually is quite short. But it won't feel that way.


Now, go buy these books. They're more than worth it. And who knows, maybe it'll help you pick up girls, or something. Show your sensitive side, and all that...

Hello, again.

It's been a long time. And I shouldn't have left you - without some dope beats to step to.
Step to, step to, step step to, step to, step to - chicka-chicka.

Anway. Yes, I've been gone. Deal with it. I could lie to you, and say I simply didn't have anything to say, but... well, now that I already mentioned I'd be lying, what would be the point? I did say stuff, I just didn't say it here.

What kind of stuff? Well, where to begin?

Will Technology Tell the Difference?

I had a pretty strong opinion about the next-gen consoles, but since "180-Day", a lot of that has somewhat changed. Yes, I am referring to the Xbox One... 80 and the PS4 reveals. Did I really have to point that out, just to do that "180 joke" again? Probably not, but I am so loath to talk about these new consoles by now, I need a few stupid laughs to put things in perspective.

Xbox simply screwed up. What else can you say? You cannot tell people "This is the way it is. It's for your own good. Deal with it." and expect nobody to bristle at that. It was like all the crazy conspiracy theories ever made about Microsoft actually became truth through the magic of popular belief. And no matter how much good would come out of it, people would always complain.

If someone told us tomorrow morning that we all had to get inoculated against the plague or we all die, tomorrow afternoon the streets would be filled with protesters burning WHO flags, singing "We shall overcome (the plague through sheer force of will because we choose to do so, and having a choice is all that matters!)".

Sony must've laughed themselves senseless during that E3 presentation, and while MS was desperately trying to saw off the foot they just had shot into so vigorously,  the PS4 seemed like the holy grail of gaming. The roles had reversed. Playstation 4 was all about Games, while the Xbox One wanted to rule the living-room. It was kinda spooky, really, like a "Walternate" version (that's a "Fringe" reference, by the way) of the PS3/Xbox 360 reveals.

And Sony came out smelling like roses. They might slow down the inevitable future of digital gaming, but it was apparently still better than Xbox ramming that future down our throats.

Then came 180-Day, and things changed. And, truth be told, I lost even more of what little respect I still held for the Xbox brand. If they really believed in what they were doing, they wouldn't have folded quite so quickly - or consummately. It was like that scene in "Full Metal Jacket", but Private X-bone changed their tune, and got slapped real hard by my personal Drill Sargent Gunny Respect.

In the end, what you get should be what you want to get. It's your money, after all.
Sony's PS4 is a really good offer, but lack both a good track record and experience when it comes to the online-part of gaming.
Xbox wants to be your entertainment center, and if you like all the fancy features, why not got for the Xbox One?  They do have the experience with Xbox Live, and all those dedicated Azure servers, just waiting to host your games, do sound very attractive.

Personally, I am still looking at a possible consoles switch from Xbox 360 to PS4. Or I just might get a PS3 real cheap and play all those PS3 exclusives. Microsoft has lost a lot of credibility for me, and purely on principle I am not sure I want to support these people anymore. And yes, "purely on principle" is a very valid reason to do pretty much anything you want with your money.


What else have I been talking about? Let`s see...

Batman: Arkham Origins gets Multiplayer. And despite the usual hate that comes along when Single-Player dominated franchises try something new - fine, the fact that the studio that committed the "Brink"-Disaster is responsible did also not go over well - I find myself mildly interested. Asymmetrical MP has been, on the few occasions somebody had the balls to try it, quite enjoyable. For me, my only experiences were Left 4 Dead 2`s Versus and Scavenger modes and Aliens vs. Predator (which was actually not half as bad as reviewers made it out to be, but by the time I got my hands on it, the multiplayer was pretty much deserted). Asymmetrical MP is all about the gameplay. If it hooks you, it's great. If it doesn't, there's really no redeeming factor.

One thing I am curious about though, is how the 3vs3vs2 MP will affect and work with parties. It's one thing to have asymmetrical but numerically equal teams, but as asymmetrical MP is often dominated by communication and teamwork (i.e. parties), what happens when a party of 3 is split up when one or two of them will play on the two-spots-only Bat-Team? It is, for sure, a  potentially questionable design decision.

The Campaign gameplay, though, already looks wonderful, and more complicated riddles and crime-scene-investigations are always welcome in my book. But then again, you'd have to work really hard to screw-up the Batman Arkham franchise, Rocksteady or not.


Then, there's Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag. One of the first big comparison titles coming out on both current- and next-gen. And damn, if it doesn't
look pretty nice. Despite the main male pirate character wearing eye-liner. And it does look huge. Islands, open sandbox Caribbean, seamless transition between foot and naval gameplay. If Ubisoft manages to limit the many technical flaws AC3 has become somewhat infamous for, it looks like a good game...

...That sadly still retains one of my main-gripes with the Franchise: No crouching. Taking cover at corners did so much for AC3`s immersion, that keeping the "Sneaking-Up on someone on rooftops or in restricted areas through Fast-Walking totally upright"-mechanic seems less understandable than ever.

Or maybe THAT'S what's important...

I mean, come on. Really? Walking upright to blend with a crowd and kill blade-in-the-grass-style, somehow looses its credibility when there are no crowds.

And I fear that is has become so ingrained in the minds of the series' creators, that the people at Ubisoft stopped being bothered by it.
Well, I still am. And that's what's important. Right?



I talked about Mobile Games, as in Games for your Cellphone, but only briefly.
The market is still mostly dominated by "Free-mium: Free2Play but quite expensive to enjoy"-games that lack, most of all, quality.
There are a few gems out there, some relatively cheap only-pay-once games (Wild Blood, comes to mind), but the more complicated and elaborate the games become, the more gamers will feel the lack of a gamepad, joystick, mouse or keyboard.

To me, the best mobile/tablet games are the ones that keep things simple. As such, I actually have a few recommendations of free stuff:

If a combination of Zombie-Killing, an On-Rails-Shooter and, curiously enough, a reaction-based "driving game on foot" sounds like fun to you, I can recommend "Into the Dead" for Android. I know the description doesn't really make sense, but play it once, and you'll see I`m right. It's addictive, if repetitive, zombie-fun. It does have some payable options, but it's neither obvious nor forced on you. Actually, if you like the game, you'll be likely considering to just buy something anyway to support the creator.


Then there's something that's not really a game, but a path to games, some of which are possibly the greatest ever made. I am speaking of the ScummVM engine for Android, that allows you to play old LucasArts Adventures like Monkey Island, Loom or Maniac Mansion on your Android device. If you're old enough to remember the magic of those games, you`ll laugh with childish glee once you see them on your mobile screen in all their glory. It takes a bit to setup, and you still need the old PC files for the games, but it is so definitely worth it.


Finally, there's the "Splinter Cell: Blacklist" Companion App: Spider-Bot. It's actually three games in one, and at least two of the top-down games are very enjoyable.
Spider-Bot is a Pacman-Variation with security drones, laser-grids, automated turrets and soldiers.
Stealth-Bot is a sneaky version of Spiderbot, with soldiers, cameras and motion detectors trying to prevent you from subduing scientists and stealing their research.
Strike-Bot is a dual-stick arena shooter Robo-War. It can be fun, but my fingers are really not quite up to it.
You can use the in-game currency you earn for unlocks and money in your Splinter Cell: Blacklist main-game (yes, Ubisoft finally fixed the issues with those), but it's actually way too good, to only play it for (pretty much useless) unlocks.


Which brings us to the last real "thing" I laid out my wisdom for: Splinter Cell: Blacklist. I love it. I loved pretty much all of the SC games, with Conviction a little less than the others, but Blacklist delivers on almost all aspects: Single Player, Co-Op, Replayability, Variety, Player Choice, Challenge... it's all there. Okay, Ironside isn't, but unless you're really just sitting there, waiting for him to not be there, I don't think you notice (probably because you don't relate the person you see on screen with Sam Fisher, but you really don`t notice).

Noticed that I didn't mention the Spies vs Mercs  Multiplayer? Well, it's there. And I like it. It has it's issues, both technical and balance-wise, but it's a solid MP system - and requires a bit more thought than the usual fare. In fact, with all the equipment and abilities, it can become a bit overwhelming at first (the terrible matchmaking doesn't help with that), so I will post a few pointers for newcomers soon. Yes. Soon. Within the week. Maybe.

And no, it's not like SvM was in Chaos Theory or Pandora Tomorrow, not even in "Classic Mode". How do I know? Everybody says so. I can't tell. I never played those back then, so what am I supposed to say?


So, that's what I did. I've been gone. I might be back. Deal with it.

The Future is here - and it's not really what we thought it would be...

 To put it concisely, "Where the hell is my Hover-Board?"


Visions of the Future don't always pan out. It seems we're still always quite a step behind what we had envisioned ourselves doing right now, 20 years earlier. "Back to the Future 2" was no different. And neither was I. Back in 2009 and 2010 I wrote a small series of articles for the now sadly defunct online gaming magazine GameObserver.com, one of which was my view on my personal New Year's Day 2013. It was a Vision of my Personal Future, as well as the future of video gaming in general. Turns out I was pretty wrong. Shocking, I know.
So, with the next-gen consoles Sony's Orbis and Microsoft's Durango on the horizon, and contradictory rumors blackening the skies, I though it might be funny - for you - to read my take on things and games this year - from three years ago.


The following (without the pictures) was published @ http://www.gameobserver.com/features/inside/all-platforms/the-word-the-future-is-close-216/ on January 16th, 2010. And boy, wouldn't it have been nice if things had turned out this way.



"When I wake up, my mouth feels like so much offal, and for a short moment I wonder if maybe my cat had shat down my throat. Again. As I’m trying to figure out how exactly I might get a crowbar into my mouth to unhinge my tongue from my palate, my hand touches something soft and warm and tender beside me. It’s a leg. It’s definitely human, and seems to be well shaved. I pray to God it’s female. But, then again, my prostate doesn’t feel violated, so at least I was (probably) the penetrator. Which is something, I guess, and apparently enough of something to light a small, shimmering beacon of hope behind my eyes. It hurts. A lot. Without mercy, its brilliant rays slowly dissolve the 2,000 $ worth of murky, mushy stuff around my brain, and I begin to remember as much of last night as I probably ever will. It’s a shame, really, since the parts I do remember do make me want to remember more, for a change.

"Anyway, being reasonably sure that I will be able to take it, I open my eyes, and as soon as the man with the hammer in my head stops pounding, I venture a little smile. Oh, it’s definitely female. An actress, if I remember correctly, and quite famous, too, but I’ll be damned if I can remember her name right now. Sierra, or… or something. She stirs, and opens her lovely eyes, and gives me one of those special I-am-so-completely-sexually-satisfied-it’s-almost-too-much-to-take-it smiles. I smile back, fervently hoping that I won’t have to say anything. On the one hand, my tongue is still not really moving, and on the other, knowing my luck, talking would inevitably get me into a situation where I'd have to say her name, and that would most assuredly ruin the moment. But instead, my mysterious maiden mumbles a word that sounds suspiciously like “shower,” and sinuously slips off the sheets. And as she walks towards the bathroom in all her nefarious nakedness, her brown hair falling almost to her bodacious buttocks, I am truly a happy man. Almost at the door, she stops in her saunter to pick up a pair of very fashionable, slightly futuristic sunglasses from amongst her scrambled leather clothes on the floor. She puts them on and turns her gaze upon me, and even if I cannot see her eyes, there is a promise in that look, of things wet and wonderful that I won’t ever forget.

"It’s the glasses that do it. Her, the glasses, her leather jumpsuit and one terrible movie… The movie was years ago, but she still fits the role. Yes. I finally remember her name. Oh, I am a happy man. So happy, in fact, that I hum a little tune to myself. An old Beatles song, about some guy named Jude… It’s a sad song -- for Jude, anyway -- and that makes me smile. With my G.I. Joe Cover Girl in the shower, I notice another, probably feminine, lump under the sheets, somewhere far, far away, on the left side of my Cesar sized bed. I contemplate for a second to reveal the mystery, travel the distance, even if it means actually moving my battered body, but I eventually decide to let the lump lie. No sense pushing my luck. Unfortunately, I still do have to move. It might be a holiday, and it might be some time in the general vicinity of afternoon, but I still have work to do. And since it is my work that blessed me with my candid companions, I am eager and willing. Now all I have to do is convince my body of its own eagerness, preferably some time before nightfall.

"I don’t quite make it. First, the lump came alive and straddled me with dancers’ legs while she breast-beat me into submission, then a freshly showered action figure heroine felt sore and left out. And I am but one man. Trust me. It was terrible. Finally, while my sultry side-trackers try unspeakable things with the shower hose that threaten my sanity, I get out of bed and dress for work. I pick up my work-shirt from the TV, checking to make sure it is at least half charged. It’s very frustrating for the shirt to go off-line in the middle of a conversation, let me tell you. But, as so often, fickle Fate had been graceful to me, when she landed the shirt so close to a major electronic appliance last night. The TV’s electromagnetic field was more than enough to recharge the battery weaves. And anyway, I should be happy to even have one. Only about a thousand are in circulation and Microsoft wants to keep this one pretty close to the vest, so to speak, until the official release.

"Writing for the most influential online gaming magazine ever does have its perks. I admit, that the thought of wearing a battery woven into shirt form that powers your Xbox peripheral controllers, and is recharged simply by exposing it to a strong electromagnetic field did take some getting used to -- especially the part about all those “totally harmless” invisible energy fields we apparently live amongst -- but it’s surprisingly comfortable, easy to wash, and the tight fit makes my pectorals look very nice, indeed. It also features a microphone woven into the collar, forever freeing my handsome head from the old, hideous and quite uncomfortable headset. I still have to wear the glasses, though, but no glasses, no virtual office. The glasses are not powered by the shirt, and need to be recharged once a week by prolonged exposure to natural light. Which usually means, that I leave them somewhere next to the window when I go to bed around 10:00 am.

"After an hour’s search, I finally dig them out of the cat’s litter box. They’re a bit smelly, but otherwise functional. I don the smelly glasses, but on second thought pick up the controllers and sling them unto my arms, the ergonomically formed wrist supporters gently fitting around my forearm, transferring most of the controllers’ weight from my wrists on to my bulky biceps. The controllers are basically what you’d get, if you sawed through the middle of one of the old 360 controllers: you got your sticks, your triggers, your shoulder-buttons, everything’s still there, only lighter and more comfortable. They’re also motion sensitive like those Wii sticks, but everybody had known that was coming, once Microsoft’s discrete purchase of Nintendo had surfaced into the light of day one year ago. It was the final part of the Console Wars, and there really could only have been one winner. And, no, I never did believe that Sony was harboring Weapons of Mass Destruction, but apparently the obvious is not as convincing to UN inspectors as it is to the layman. There never were any WMDs, of course. Sadly it took a forceful invasion of most of Asia to prove it, but, honestly, who can blame them? It was an honest mistake.

"Finally, the controllers act as additional reference points for Natal, enhancing the video-interface’s already impressive accuracy. I know all that, because someone much smarter than me told it to me again and again while I was wondering very intently about how her skin would taste. There are some treasures hidden among the Nerdity, and not all of them are about the head, after all. Now, Natal works fine for browsing and surfing and navigating, and I do love my virtual Pilates instructor very much, but there are some things, small things -- like, say pulling a trigger -- that Natal just can’t do very well, and for the sake of Natal’s compatibility and usability both with older and newer games, the controllers supplement the necessary fine mechanics. It makes the killing real easy. You just choose in the game options menu which controls Natal will take from your movement, and which are, well, controller-controlled. Yes, I am mighty with words. To explain in more practical terms, stuff like crouching or taking-cover or aiming can very well be done by moving your hands or legs or body, but try to make a movement that tells the game to change your weapon or Aim down your Sights. On second thought, maybe crouching and taking cover also fall into that last category. At least for the lazy or the hang-overed.

"Anyway, I don’t really need the controllers for my work, but I am not quite awake yet, and I want to kill someone before I bow to the needs of my job. So off come the glasses, and as soon as I connect the controllers by a small expandable cable to the little ports artfully hidden in the seams of the long-sleeved shirt arms, my Xbox 360 work-center starts to boot. The TV switches on automatically, and if you ever wondered how a 150” flat screen looks, let me tell you, it looks just fine.

"The Box connects to Live, and my virtual secretary informs me of calls I missed and appointments I forgot, of family and well-wishers and other miscreants trying to scurry my favor. She’s standing there, her flawless virtual body in virtually no clothing at all, but I scroll all that away with an impatient flick of my wrist and go straight to “Modern War.” It’s the latest evolution of online multiplayer gaming, the most successful game in history, and -- no surprise, there -- it’s all about killing people. The World is at War. A terrorist attack released a virus into the global water supply, poisoning almost all freshwater resources on the planet. On the brink of thirst, the continental powers now fight for the last remaining fresh water, frozen in the arctic icecaps. I’m not quite sure how any of that makes sense, but it served its purpose insofar as that there are no real bad guys. We’re all just fighting to survive, or some such, and anybody can join up with any faction or country he wants to, without having to worry about fighting for the Evil Axis. Every year the war starts again, with new and different missions, DLC and add-ons, and I am eager to see how my venerable veteran will utterly destroy all those sickly green recruits coming in today.

"The game itself is actually three games -- and they were all sold separately at hefty prices -- but the reward is a complete virtual world war that fully integrates air, land and sea combat into one colossal competitive multiplayer campaign. You can be a pilot, a tank driver, infantry, special-ops or the captain of a warship. Or all of the above, if you have the necessary rank and the necessary money to buy all three games. You can even choose to play it as a real time strategy game, commanding your assets (i.e. the real people controlling the soldiers at the frontline -- you know, the ones always bitching about the screwed up decisions you make) on the battlefield, giving them missions and objectives -- but for the first time ever all of these facets can and will be controlled by other human players. It is as real to actual combined warfare as it gets, and as a joint venture of Tom Clancy’s Ubisoft, Infinity Ward and Microsoft itself, the quality is nothing short of inspiring. In theory. And theory in the realm of Microsoft is to be taken with a handful of salt. But it is still extremely engaging, and the fixed timeline gives it a wonderful urgency. As a battle-hardened veteran of last year’s war -- which nobody won, because some flunky in Russia decided to just nuke the ice caps and be done with it; Europe would’ve lost anyway -- I am superior to any noobs in equipment as well as in my tactical options. With my rank and XP I have also access to harder and more crucial missions against the enemy elite, but I decide to stick to the frontlines for today. More cannon fodder. But before I dive into the trenches, I take a few minutes to limber up. I don’t want to pull a muscle. It’s not that kind of war.

"Two hours and a 164 killstreak later, my name is being cursed in multiple languages by noobs all over the world. I feel good. I feel almost an hour of work coming on. Maybe two. Before I leave, I check the battle schedule for tomorrow, and I see that there’s a combined attack on Iceland. As I heard it, the scheduling was one of the hardest parts for the programmers to figure out, since a surprise attack isn’t really surprising if you have to notify your enemy and then make a date to make sure you’re not playing against mindless bots, but however they did it, it works. Personally I think there are a million people somewhere hidden in a Microsoft warehouse, playing the game 24 hours a day for minimum wage to give the rest of the world someone real to shoot at. Of course there are still Bots to flesh out the ranks, but they die just like the rest.

"But enough of that. Time to go to work. I exit the game, sit down on the couch, unplug the controllers, don the glasses, and I enter my virtual office. My virtual secretary has gone from eager to bored to petulant to so bored she began touching herself eagerly, yet in a petulant fashion. This is what happens to sweet virtual kids named Milo, once you give them over to creepy programmers that never had enough sex in their lives. I can’t help but smile. It’s like someone made something just for me. I ask what I missed, and she shrieks one last time, and in her sweaty, sensual voice she answers: “Fuck all.”
So I might have expanded her vocabulary a little. So what? I like a little color at work. I check my emails, tweet a “Good Morning Vietnam!” to my 1.443781 million followers, and check Facebook to see that Steward_Steward426 is getting his feet waxed. I’m not really sure what that means, but it sounds hinky. I do all that with nothing more than moving my hands, pointing, pressing, waving, flicking, sometimes, sometimes even tickling. The uncomplicated written stuff I can just say out loud and it’s done. Theoretically, the secretary can also take dictation, but her oral skills are hugely overrated. And I do prefer writing -- by which I mean “typing” -- by hand, so anything longer than “stuff I don’t care about what it actually says,” I type on the virtual keyboard displayed on the glasses.


"The glasses are a technological marvel, and yes, they were my idea. Windows 7 was, too. They are just a little bigger and a little heavier than unusually small and light sunglasses, but they house a lot of technology under that sleek and sexy surface. Connected via IR to the console, and programmable with several fixed working environments, the glasses are the actual core of my virtual work space. The lenses are actually transparent LCD displays that can display anything from a keyboard to a drawing board, while small cameras on the frame monitor my eye and hand movements, transmitting the input information to the Xbox. Fine. What that means is, that the glasses can tell where I am looking and what I’m looking at -- which really are two separate things. It can also tell what my hands are doing, and so, if, say, there’s a keyboard over my right eye, I can move my fingers and tap on keys that aren’t really there, and the glasses try to make sense of it. The keys, thankfully, are very big indeed. It’s a work in progress. It’s not a real holographic keyboard yet, but it’s more fun than using the wireless USB keyboard. And it makes me feel so totally cutting edge.

"On a whim, I drop by in the Major’s virtual office -- everyone who’s someone has to have one of those, complete with sexy secretary. While I wait for a video-meeting of his to end, his and my virtual secretaries start talking about the latest news, politics, sports and gossip. I had once tried to hack into the MS server to let them make out with each other, but I failed gloriously. The news talk actually was my idea. As someone who loathes anything even close to newspapers or news shows, I sometimes find myself left a little behind, while the world around me has moved on. It really sounds more dramatic than it is, but apparently I’m not the only one with a certain lack of connection. Or maybe lack of interest, and since I was spending a lot of time on Live… well, I gave my idea to the right people, and a month later, avatars of friends and virtual secretaries all over Live began informing me of the daily news, in a subtle and conversational way, all according to my predetermined preferences. And now, it’s almost as common as listening to people discussing the news in the subway. If I wanted to know anything more detailed about the outside world -- which I don’t -- I could just ask them to tell me more, but for now, I listened without really listening, already getting bored. Patience is not part of my genetic make-up. I had it surgically removed a year ago, and I have lost all my friends since.

"After two more minutes of endless entropy I decide just to leave a message and go. I feel my work-power fading. The hour’s almost up. Before I sign off, I type a short message to my editor -- my editor’s a good man -- telling him that he should have believed me three years ago when I first wrote this article. I had speaketh the truth. The Observer does rule the gaming industry, and its sister TV Show, The Executioner, does pass out our judgments to those who do not bother to read anymore. I predicted all of this. Right here. Right now.

"It’s a strange world, and we should all try to keep it that way, with me right here up top, so far above your head, that my urine would freeze during the fall and upon impact bring untold destruction should I ever decide to piss down on you. Metaphorically speaking. The one time I tried to take a piss out of my window I had been forcefully restrained by a Burj-Al-Arab Security detail, shortly after they figured out what I wanted to drill into with the diamond drill I had ordered on Live Marketplace. So much for Penthouse Privileges. Anyway, the work was hard and demanding, and I have women to please. Time to call it a day.

"My name is known all over the globe. I write a pseudo-regular feature article called The Word for the GameObserver, spewing my filthy thoughts onto the web and infecting unwitting civilians with visually transmitted Neuro-Viruses that hack their brains to agree with every word I say.

"It’s January 1. 2013.

"It’s good to be me."


Well. Yeah. That would've been nice. But I have to stop writing. I need to clean up my room so Mom won't get stuck or, God beware, fall with her walker during her daily inspection, and with all the fat I'm carrying around, it takes a while to gather the momentum to get up. I fondly remember the time when I could just stand up, no hydraulics or anything. Or see my dick without mirrors.

Memories,
Like the corners of my Mind
Misty water-colored Memories
Of the Way we Were...