Monday, June 2, 2014

The Truth (about Watch Dogs` online issues) is out there...


Boy, we were hot for that one. Turns out, it's not all it was supposed to be (as some recently surfaced screenshots showing what was intended for next-gen consoles before they had to downgrade the graphics), but it's still a great game. If you can play it...

Now, we all know how, let's call it "unfortunate" the days around the WatchDogs launch were when it came to online connectivity. UPlay was down, taking part of Xbox Live with it, and pretty much stopping a lot of people from enjoying parts or even the whole game.

What you don't know, is the reason.

So... prepare for "Da Truth!" (from a certain point of view ;)

As an unnamed (that means anonymous) source confirmed to me when we met yesterday at the Playboy Mansion, Ubisoft and UPlay had come under cyber attack - from Hackers. Right on the day Ubisoft launched a massive game about hacking. Who would've thought?

The way he put it, "On May 27th, a day which will live in infamy, the United Studios of Ubisoft were suddenly and deliberately attacked by douche-bags. Little, 20-40 year old virginal douche-bags that launched a DOS (that's Denial of Service) attack on the Ubisoft and Uplay servers from about a million basements in their mothers' homes. The kind of Douche-Bags that think 'hymen' is what they say to their only friends after donning their headsets!"
He was obviously upset.

"Uhm, aren't you describing pretty much all of your programmers and most of your employees?", I wondered.
He chose to ignore me.

"And why?" he asked. "Just because they can?! Just because they need to flaunt their superior intellect in the face of the three people in this company that make enough money to buy ourselves pretty much everything they only know from internet porn? Do they think that makes a man happy?! And when did porn ever do anything good?!"

"Well, there was that one time, at band camp-" I began, but speaking to him when he was like that was a losing proposition.

"So, they're smart! So what?! Didn't stop the ice hockey team from dunking their heads in toilets, now, did it?! So, yes, let them be proud of their win! Hoo-Fucking-Ray for them! They bloodied our nose, but that won't happen again. We`re alert now. We're paying attention. And when they come at us again, we'll sniff 'em out and tear 'em apart like... like..." and there he faltered, then looked at me for help.

I said "Uhm... like uhm, cameras? With... laser-... uhm -teeth? ... that can... sniff?"

"Exactly", he said. "Just like that! D-bags won't even Know what hit 'em... (we should make a game about that... yeah...)".

"Look, man" I said. "Maybe it was more of a... I don't know, an acknowledgement. Like, some friendly hazing. I mean, these people are crazy smart. (and I`m pretty sure that whole virginal thing isn't really true anymore and you just said that because you're kinda angry). They're smart. And they know it. But they're kinda secretive, too. You threw 'em into the spotlight. Which, in itself is quite a compliment for them. 'Look, Ma! All those years I spent in the basement on my computer? It's gonna make me a superhero!' But that's the thing, man. They're not superheroes. They're Anti-Heroes. So, they couldn't just come out and say 'Well done!'. These guys are creative, unconventional. (Although, admittedly, being a hacker and then hacking the game servers for a game about hacking so the people playing the game could, in fact, not go out and hack other people may not be that ingenious - unless the utter simplicity Is the genius. You never know. There`s a lot of pretty funky mold in those basements...) But still. They could've just 'given you props by busting your chops', man. Or something."

"Who the hell are you, now?!" He was looking at me. "Jay Fucking Z?"

"That- that's all you took from that? Fine. I'm just sayin', man. Don't take it so hard. It's not like it... ruined your whole life, is it?"
Wrong thing to say.

"What?!" he screamed. "Didn't ruin-? People were unhappy. The Customers were unhappy. They had paid for a game experience like no other and we couldn't deliver. They don't care whose fault it was! You know why? Because it's not Their job, it's Ours! And in their eyes we failed! We failed! We went out and built and bought new servers, and we made sure UPlay could handle twice as many people, twice the people that even Have UPlay accounts, and then we even rented additional servers just for the launch week to double That! Redundancy in Depth! And all of that turned to Shit. Not because of the hackers. Because of us. Because when we were contacted, I refused to take pictures of myself with a shoe on my head and post them online. (The USU doesn't negotiate with terrorists, cyber or otherwise.) And it was my pride that led to our fall, to our epic fail. We failed the customers. I failed the customers. My life is forfeit. My life is worthless, without meaning. It's dark and drab and cold and lonely and-" He stopped, stiffened, then looked down towards his bellybutton, seeming just a tad bit peeved. "Easy with the teeth down there, you two."

And I said, "Yves", I said. "Priorities..."

None of this ever happened. Nobody is supposed to feel insulted by any of this. It's supposed to make you laugh.
I don't condone any illegal actions, nor will I admit to a certain admiration of people that are able to do such illegal actions. I plead the Fifth.
I don't condone any demeaning actions, either. Bullies blow.
The people and places mentioned in or alluded to in this short work of utter fiction are not real, and do not refer or allude to real places or people. No, there is no Playboy Mansion - that`s just a myth, a magical place fathers tell their sons about to make them do their chores, because if they work real hard and get real rich, they may one day be invited there.
Perceived similarities to reality are nothing but your own dirty thoughts.
Also, this story is not even mine. I was just holding it for a friend - whose name I can't seem to remember.
Now, mom's got my dinner ready, and tonight me and the boys have a big raid planned in the Rift. Yes, me and the boys. Plural. Of Course we don't allow girls in our clan. If I learned anything in my 34 years, it's that girls are like, not real. Or at least, really not like the I like ones on the internet...

Watch_Dogs is available on PC, PS3, PS4, Xbox 360 and Xbox One. A Wii-U version will (maybe) come later.

For all your Playstation or Xbox or PC Gaming needs, especially the European needs, head over to Amazon UK - best deals in Europe (mostly). For TV or Movie Streaming needs, as well. Yes, I do buy there myself. Exclusively. Unless I find a better deal, elsewhere...

Show some love, this one is funny...

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